Saturday, September 16
tsunami
Have been unwell these days, meals skipped, sleep patterns disturbed. But still i do not have nutritional deficit. Tummy feels like bursting. Throat feels bitter. Esophagus feels like throwing up all the time. It feels like a small tsunami is occuring from inside me. Been having backaches and cramps since tuesday. And period came officially on Thursday. Period= emotional turmoils.
It's unexplainable. How i feel. What i expect of myself. I'm losing myself. Unnecessarily. People feel like i'm losing myself. Truth is, i myself can't comprehend what i'm going through. it's just too detailed that i'm too tired to figure out. Perhaps it all shouldn't have started. I'm uncertain over what i'm going through. i'm unable to make even simple decisions like where i want to have lunch and what time i want to wake up. Everyday now is just a motion that i follow. Unable to decide on my own.
I want drama. I want to be part of the production. But the mum is nagging over my commitments. She wants my time to be at home. But what's the point? i end up sleeping and not talking to her anyways. the only time i talk to her is when she really has something important to say. And half the time nowadays, it's about my devotion towards my relationship. Enough said. I don't want the whole world to know.
Went back to 22A with Christina, Josephyne, Aaron, Sheeny & Catherine yesterday. Apologies to Cookie, i though Cat would have contacted those from your side to come back to visit. My heart was in tears. Though i wasn't well, i had to go back to collect my stuff i left behind in the tea room. I miss them. I miss the patients. Thomas vividly remembered me as the one who fed him and whose nametag he broke into two. My 'SG' was in tears when he saw us, surprised and elated to see the three of us coming back. It was like a dream come true to all of us, not just Chris, Josephyne and myself, but also to the patients.
Aaron, Sheeny and Cat tried to persuade me to have a meal at swensens. Which i did. But as soon as i got home, i puked the expensive dish totally. Went to take a short nap, and was awaken by mummy who forced dinner down my throat. That's when she realised i had fever. Fluctuating body temperature, just like my temper and emotions. Perhaps it was also due to the shocking discovery Cat, Aaron & Sheeny found out and delivered to me. Oh well..
Sorry isn't the word i should use. I should feel sorry for myself for feeling like this. But i can't help it. At all. I hope this phase will be over soon. I don't want to be the source of everything. I know you don't understand what i'm trying to say. Don't query. I have no idea too.
signed, sealed, delivered with a kiss: brownie suszy
chocolate-spongecake @ 8:40 AM
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